Everyday it's something.

Forward is the only way to go.

It’s almost been a month since we broke up. It still hurts more than I can say, and so much so that I can’t really talk about it. I haven’t heard from him since the night of our last call. I fill my days with friends, internet, and distractions. I try not to ruminate on the past or on him, but these feelings inch their way through and curl into a ball in my throat. Some times I’m okay, and some times I spend days and hours crying. And I’m waiting. Not necessarily for him, but for something else. Not even for the tide to change, but for a ripple to sneak through.

 And so that’s it really.

Well, it’s over. After talking for awhile, I was actually willingly to work it out, but he was not. He ended it tonight on New Years Eve. 

I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked, and there are good things to reflect upon as well as bad things, but I’m mainly just sad and in a bit of denial. 

Goodbye 2011. I’m glad it’s over. 

It’s nearly 2012. Why would anyone need to ask me where the place we’re meeting is located? Especially since I know you’re replying via an iPhone.

Also, while I’m bitching about everything, what’s the big deal about Robyn? 90’s music is totally my jam, but she was a one hit wonder back then. I’ve heard her new stuff but it’s nothing special, and she’s back looking like a lame Cindy Lauper. What’s with that 90’s boy bowl cut? It’s almost 2012!! We couldn’t get any better than this?

Since this past summer, my boyfriend and I have been on and off for awhile. We hit a couple large rough patches, while he had to deal with real life-and-death situations regarding family and friends. We were not at our best. It didn’t help that his way of coping is to completely shut down and ignore me for days if we get into a large argument. At first, I was taken aback and wasn’t sure what to do. I had never encountered avoidance to that extremity. I’ve had plenty of fights with ex-boyfriends, but when we fight we fight, and they were always available for fights. Yell, cry, laugh, spit out sarcasm, twist someone’s words, whatever. We fight and we both get it out. I’ve never had to plead or beg someone to call me back over voicemail, text, and email (which I know now is the worst way to deal with someone giving you the silent treatment). It was horrifying feeling that cold wall of abandonment and not knowing if it was over or not. At our lowest point, he ignored me for two and a half weeks. The last couple of months have been better but we still have our issues, and once and awhile he’ll pull this ignoring-me bit for a day or so.

I’ve reached a point where I wonder when enough is enough. Beyond the silent treatment, we have communication problems, and I feel a lack of reassurance. When do you know when to just stop? Of course, we have really good things in our relationship. I love him, there is trust and respect, and there is a sense of growth. That’s always the kicker. Not everything is bad, but when is it just not good enough?

My views on relationships has not really changed, but my attitude towards them has changed significantly. I started this blog about three years ago. I had one major and terrible relationship to draw my experience from, but I was beginning to grow into myself and master this skill of dating. It was a big change seeing how I was this nerdy, quiet, plain duckling for most of my life, and I was beginning to feel confidant and fun. So, this really started as a place I could share fun and ridiculous stories about dating. Even though a lot of those tales were painful, I still had this carefree attitude about them. I didn’t yearn for heartbreak and to be honest I’m not sure how much I liked any of those boys, but I accepted it and each new guy rewrote my emotions.

Now in my second serious relationship, where I think I can see the end, there is a different sadness beyond hysterical crying or a feeling of life-stopping tragedy. I am more disappointed at our shortcomings, and the naive things I initially thought we could have had. I still think being in a relationship should be about giving. Everyday you should wake up and want to make the other person happy, and if you are away from your love then you should feel a small odd sense of missing something.